Memoirs
by Emerald
Summary: It's time for a decision and his memories haunt his every thought.


Through the clouding of a dream and the whisper of a vision, it comes like everything else. The glance that is a memory of the past and the spark that is love all have a part in what is meant. The heart will speak and utter a song that only the heart will understand. To listen closely is both betrayal and truth given at the same time… 

The time had come. He now stood between the two women and the invisible pressure around him seemed to be choking him. He looked to his left at the woman that stared at him intensely. Her eyes were dark with fear and her hair was lighter than his own. His mind raced with thoughts and memories with her. He could remember her smile; the first time he kissed her. He remembered their days at school together. It was funny how their friendship, even though pushed at first, had grown into a deep fondness and then love rather quickly. But it never bothered him. When he had first proposed, she said no because she thought he was under pressure. Was he? He always knew that he'd have to propose to her and make her his wife. But that didn't matter. He loved her, didn't he? Everything he did for her was great. He'd take her to the beach and they'd hold each other as they watched the sun go down.

He smiled when his mind rushed back to the situation at hand. It was time. He was no longer able to stare at both of them and dread an upcoming decision. It was here. He turned back and then to his right. There she was. She stood before him just as she always had. Her eyes, the color of autumn, the dark intensity that was always there shone with such brilliance, it shocked him every time. His eyes almost filled with tears when he thought of times with her- both good and bad. He remembered when he first kissed her on the wharf. It was like nothing he had ever felt before. She stood there crying and something inside him snapped. The sparkling tears on her face seemed to call him to her and he grabbed her. It was nothing like he'd expected. It was better. The passion that exploded between their lips infused such a fire in him, he wasn't able to put it out… ever.

The first time he saw her, he hated her. He wanted her arrested. She was a menace that seemed to have it out for him every time she saw him. She spilled paint on him. Milkshakes and fish guts. It was disgusting. And even now as he thought of their humble beginnings, it made him smile. Who knew that the one that ruined his day with blue paint at a carnival years before would be the one that changed his life dramatically? The one… The moment she entered his life, even though he didn't want to admit it, he knew that she'd change it forever. And she did. He could never have predicted what she would mean to his life.

He could remember when they went to Bermuda together, and on Gwen's request no less. By then, his heart was already twisted with temptation and confusion. The entire plane ride with her was excruciating as he watched her intently through the corner of his eye. He couldn't explain why he couldn't keep his eyes off her. And when they finally got to the island, it only got worse. Something changed between them on that trip. He first felt it when he danced with her one night at dinner. It was as if something had exploded inside of him.

They continued to grow closer and then it happened. She said it first. She told him she loved him when he took her to the prom. He didn't know what to say and later that evening he cursed himself for not having the courage to say it back. It had been years since that night that changed his heart forever and so much had happened since then. As he stared at her eyes that never seemed to lose their brilliance no matter how much life had thrown her way, he thought of another memory that held so much meaning to him. It was the night of his engagement party and he was wearing a tuxedo. He had told her earlier that day that he would finally have the chance to tell Gwen how he felt and that he would somehow find a way to break the news to her. When she smiled uneasily, he comforted her and kissed her. Somehow when his lips rested against hers, it seemed to have an overall calming effect on them both.

It wasn't until later that evening that his love was really tested. He hadn't had the opportunity to tell Gwen that the wedding was off before the engagement party. But he had no idea what it would mean. She came to the party hopeful that he would leave with her at the end. It never happened. Rebecca got to her first. Her evil manipulative lies made her believe that he didn't love her. She ran out of the party in tears that would have broken anyone's heart. Her heartbreak was so bad that she ran home, hopped in a cab, and was willing to leave her life forever because of him. He raced to the airport right after he explained to Gwen that he couldn't marry her because of his love for someone else. She yelled and screamed and cried but it wouldn't change what was in his heart. By the time he got to the airport, her plane was taking off. Using his name, he got it to stop and got on to beg her to believe him. The tears falling from her eyes let him know that Rebecca's lies had really hurt her. He begged her to get off the plane with him but she was adamant that Rebecca was telling the truth and he was playing her for a fool. Security escorted him off the plane forcefully and she could see the genuine love in his eyes as he screamed what was in his heart. He felt horrible when he was thrown out of the terminal. He needed to get to her and he'd never see her again. He loved her… And then he heard her. She had somehow managed to get off the plane and stood before him. He thanked God over and over again to finally have her back in his arms. But all of that was only the beginning.

In a fit of jealousy and bruised pride, a raging Gwen attacked her with a bat bent on killing her. It was finally time to make one of the first of many final decisions. Due to the pleading of both women, he finally agreed to date them both to help him make his decision. He would let them know his choice at Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. When he went to talk to Gwen, she jumped. And then he went to her. She started crying and congratulated him on his future with Gwen. She was wrong. He placed the sparkling ring on her finger and she cried even more. They were engaged and it was beautiful. Neither of them had ever been happier.

It was with her that he learned what true love was really like and he felt as if his heart would explode every time he was with her. Their wedding day was quickly approaching and yet he had never felt more secure in himself in his entire life. Being with her was something that exhilarated him in every way possible. The countdown was on and it was only one more day until their wedding day. When the memories of when he and Luis crashed her and Sheridan's bachelorette party, not knowing the girls already knew they were imposters, he almost laughed out loud. That night, they went down to the beach together before having to say goodbye for the night. What happened on the sandy shores of Harmony that night has stayed with him forever… sometimes he still thinks about it.

Their goodbye kiss before leaving the beach was no ordinary goodbye kiss. It would be the last kiss they would share before they were to say I do. Quickly ravaging each other to hold out for a few hours, things intensified. Their hands explored and their lips danced in the moonlight. That night, that fateful night, they would both learn the true meaning of the word passion. They had it, they shared it, and they showed it. They made love on the beach that night, both giving, both taking. It was amazing what he felt inside. When he looked at her beneath him, he somehow felt that his life was complete. He had all he could ever want in his arms and there was no way that he was about to let her go.

But he would let her go. The next day, the day that they were to be married, no star shone brighter than her smile. Her eyes danced with excitement and happiness and it made his heart swell knowing that he had some part in making her so happy. They were so close to finally being together forever when it happened. His mother crashed through the church with a loud bang in her BMW. She crashed through the wall and she crashed through both of their dreams. Evidence showed that she sent the email to the tabloid about his paternity and before she had a chance to answer his questioning eyes, she ran from the alter in tears. Her heart was shattered and his mother loved every minute of it. As did Gwen…

Things only seemed to get worse for them. Her trip to Bermuda after the wedding from hell led her to his ex-father, Julian Crane. A sick joke played by his buddies, but not to be revealed until a year later made them both believe that she had married him while drunk and turned up pregnant. He had taken her back and forgiven her for everything. But this, this was something that he couldn't ignore. She was pregnant with his ex-father's child. It broke his heart, but when it all finally came out, he finally said goodbye to her. It was over.

Months later, thanks to his mother and Rebecca, never ceasing to act on their hate for her, they set her up and she was put to 'death' for a crime that she did not commit. When he watched through the glass as the liquids were pushed through her veins, ending her life, he felt as if he would die along with her. Her kiss still lingered on his lips from when he kissed her before she was led into the chamber. And yet, her eyes still held the same amazing light in them. He would never be able to explain the sound his heart made when he thought she was dead. It was the most agonizing and excruciating pain he'd ever experienced.

After months of bonding over her son and realizing how much he'd missed her, his soul was tormented yet again. He was now with Gwen and they had just rekindled what they once had. It was not as easy as he'd hoped. It was time to make another decision between the two. He went out and bought an engagement ring, almost certain that it would be for Gwen. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to take anymore lies. But then, his heart finally got to his head. Was it Gwen that he wanted to be with forever? He wasn't sure. For days, he agonized over the decision and finally, his heart gave him the answer.

He went to her room one night and he fidgeted with the ring in his hands nervously. He wasn't exactly sure what he was going to say but in the past he had learned to trust his heart and he would do it again tonight. He held the ring between his fingers and she told him what was in her heart. She cried and it hurt him to see her tears. He finally understood everything and he knew in the depths of his soul that she was truly sorry for everything she had ever done to him. That was it. His heart and his mind knew the answer. He was about to get on one knee in front of her and it seemed that Fate didn't want to make it that easy. They kept getting interrupted and he never had the chance to propose to her like he wanted. And yet again, Fate threw a curve ball at him that he never could have seen coming. Gwen was pregnant…

Now, he wasn't making a decision between which woman he loved more, he was making a decision between which woman he _needed_ to be with. He was a man of his word, a true gentleman, and he was noble to a fault. He knew who he loved and he knew who he should be with. Unfortunately, they weren't the same person. Being the man that he always wanted to be, he pushed his desire aside and followed the morals he wanted to have. He got down on one knee, held out the ring, grabbed her hand, and finally asked Gwen for her hand in marriage.

A few months later, he watched Gwen walk down the isle in a white dress and when Father Lonigan pronounced them husband and wife, he felt a piece of his heart sink away- a piece that would always be there no matter what. It hadn't exactly been all flowers and rainbows since then. Gwen's pregnancy was plagued with stress and insecurity, thus putting the baby at risk. When he and Gwen flew out to L.A. to see a prenatal specialist, the last thing he expected was for Fate to throw _her_ into the mix. Temptation was all around him and he loved it. He loved being around her and he felt horrible for giving into his desire and then having to pull away when he remembered that he was married to someone else. A year of silence and secrets finally spilled out when he confessed to her why it was that he proposed to Gwen instead of her.

Sadness and pain only followed. Sarah, his and Gwen's child, was still born due to a fight that occurred between the two in L.A. So much had happened since then. Gwen had taken away her child in a fixed legal battle and Gwen was no longer able to have children. It broke his heart that his daughter was gone and his hopes for a family were shattered. But not quite…

In desperation to get her son back, she seduced him. She adorned herself with a blonde wig and took advantage of him when champagne was his drink of choice. Rather, an entire bottle. She crept into his bed one night while Gwen was away and he made love to her. It was odd, he couldn't remember much from that night, but he knew while it was happening that it was different. Gwen had never touched him the way he was touched that night. Her caress was soft and different. And yet, he had known it before. Her kiss was different and deep. Again, Gwen had never kissed him like that. It seemed like her want went far beyond passion, far beyond love, far beyond anything he had ever known. It was amazing and while he tossed and turned in his bed with the woman, he could have sworn that he saw… But… no. It couldn't be. Perhaps it was his wishful thinking. She couldn't possibly be…

But it was. He would learn a little while later what she had done and she had become pregnant with his child. The race was on to find out who the mother was. Gwen wanted nothing more than to be a biological mother and it broke his heart when he thought of how badly she would be crushed when she learned the truth. The results were revealed and Gwen lost yet another battle. But there was something more important. He was a father. He had a little girl. A little princess. A little Jane. He had a family. But things wouldn't stay grand for long.

Again consumed by jealousy and rage, Gwen attacked her with a scalpel and almost killed her. Luckily she managed to escape with swelling and temporary paralysis. Gwen lost it. Or so it seemed. She plotted and schemed to get to her to try to kill her again. She was out for blood. She almost succeeded but she wanted something bigger. She wanted the baby. In her own little world that she created for herself, Gwen had convinced herself that she actually had rights to the little girl and kidnapped her and renamed her.

Jane's parents were beside themselves with grief when they found their little newborn missing. The hunt for Gwen was on. Over time, they had grown closer- him and his past love. Their feelings never faded and they were haunted by them every minute of everyday they were together. He tried to comfort her the best he could and promised to bring their daughter back to her. He kept his promise. He, with the help of his half-brother, was able to locate Gwen's hideout. He immediately chartered a jet and was about to set off on his heroic mission when she climbed aboard. It was only hours ago that he begged her to get off the plane and return to the safety of Harmony. But alas, she was never one to listen. He allowed her to stay on the plane and in her gratitude, her lips collided with his and she kissed him. He hadn't felt her against him in such a long time and he had almost forgotten what it felt like to taste her. Almost… Her kiss was passionate and fiery. Tender and demanding. Desperate and loving. He responded to her in everyway he knew possible. But yet again, his guilt for his wife took over him and he once again turned off desire to listen to his head.

At the compound, Gwen's hideout, danger was everywhere. Somehow it heightened their senses of each other. Her eyes were even brighter in the dark of the night and he couldn't help but stare. To try to keep her quiet from a guard that was walking by, he pulled her to his body tightly and silenced her with his mouth. She wrapped her arms around his neck, welcoming his kiss. When the guard walked by, he told her that it was only to keep her quiet. But in his heart, he knew why he really did it. He had been wanting to kiss her like that for days… much longer. They were finally at the entrance of the compound. Time to be brave and risk all for their little girl. He gave her swift instructions and he held her arms for a moment. She stared at him and leaned in to kiss him. He gave her his lips without question and tried not to beg for more. She smiled at him softly and whispered the words that had ended his life and begun it all at the same time years ago. I love you. He knew that she meant it and he knew that she would never say those words that way to anyone else. Without having to think about it, his heart spoke and he responded, I love you, too.

All of that had somehow led them all to this point. He now stood between the two women that had both been huge parts of his life and would always be. And now he had to make a decision. The question was, could he abandon his wife to be with the mother of his child- his only child, or should he choose to be with his wife and abandon his daughter- the newfound light of his life? Could he do that to either of them? The answer was simple.

Both women's eyes stared him, begging him for their name to be the one he uttered next. Gwen seemed to have a broken and yet crooked smile on her face. As if she knew something he did not. But what? He loved them both, that was certain. But he couldn't decide which to choose. The truth was that it between which heart he would break. He didn't want to break either but it was time. There was no running from this. Both women had been going at each other's throats for 'rights' to him and it had to stop.

Memories flooded his brain and it was inescapable now. He wanted nothing more than to be a family with her. That's all he had ever wanted. He knew in his heart that he loved her more. Hell, they all knew that he loved her more. But there was one thing that held him back. The shiny gold object on his ring finger. He was married. And not to her. He wished to be but no one could change the past anymore than they could predict it. Their chance was gone.

Or was it?

She called to him and her eyes, sad and concerned, would never lose the light that he would forever cherish. How would he say this? To either of them? But he was a man of his word. He was a man of morale and he couldn't betray that because of what he wanted. Of course he wanted nothing more than to grasp what his heart said and run away with it. He wanted the family that he dreamt of every night. But now, as he stared at the two of them, he realized that perhaps it was just a dream. One that would never come true.

Finally not being able to keep the two in suspense any longer, he spoke the words of truth and the words that would bring tears to the eyes of a woman that he loved more than he could say.

I have chosen to respect the vows that I made in church under God. I've chosen… Gwen.

Her eyes immediately fell and he wanted to burn inside when he saw how much pain he had just caused her.

I'm sorry, was all he could say to her. I'm so sorry.

Suddenly her world swirled and she seemed to be falling. The baby in her arms almost felt so heavy that she thought she would drop her. The words that she had dreaded to hear, the words she knew she would, had finally been spoken. She had always known that when given the chance, he would pick his wife. That's the kind of man he was. That was why he chose to marry her in the first place. He was a good man and held 'the right thing' highest of all. But what he would never understand was that the right thing was and always would be what was in his heart- his love… for her.

Gwen's smile was smug and large and she felt as if her world was caving. She watched with swollen eyes as he walked to Gwen, his wife, and took her in his arms. Gwen said that she loved him and it broke her heart to watch them together. When they hugged, his face upon Gwen's shoulder, looked at her with desperation. She read his eyes and knew that he meant what he said. He had to have. He said it was his final decision. But then, the look on his face told her something. The tenderness in his eyes let her know that no matter what, he would always love her.

Perhaps Ethan and Theresa had another chance. And maybe, just maybe, he would have the chance to make another final decision…

The End


End file.
